6th March, 2019

“Don’t let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment that was known as Camelot.” 

Allan Jay Lerner’s lines from Camelot certainly capture the bittersweet reality of our lives now – where there was once so much joy, there is now so much tragedy and heartbreak that is made all the more poignant by the memory of that previous life, that “one brief shining moment” that is now permanently in the past, a past which is receding more and more everyday as it is overtaken by the gloom of our present and future lives.  There is no feeling of closure and I can’t imagine there ever will be. What is worse?  Having had joy and then having it snatched away leaving you with the painful memories of what was or never having had joy at all and not knowing the pain of what was or could have been?  I want to think that it was better to have had that joy, but the sharpness of the pain produced by its absence sometimes makes me think otherwise.  Nonetheless, I can’t help but relate to the lyrics of the song, “Anyone who knows what love is . . . “, a song which I believe was originally sung by Irma Thomas, but was powerfully covered by Jessica Findley in an episode from the t.v. series Black Mirror.

    I’ve included a couple of other songs.  The first is the song “Clouds” written by a terminally ill 17 year old boy named Zach Sobiech.  When his treatment failed, Zach was given one year to live, but he still attended school for his senior year.  On the first day of school, he returned home to a very anxious mother who agonizingly waited to find out how Zach’s day had gone.  Zach came home, collapsed in tears and asked, “How am I going to do this?”.  How was he going to continue to go to school surrounded by friends who had a future to look forward to and he did not?  His mother suggested that he write letters to those he loved.  Instead, Zach wrote songs, one of which went viral, a song called “Clouds”.  I listen to this unbelievably inspirational song over and over.  You can check out both Zach’s solo version and the Mall of America version which is very movingly executed before huge crowds after Zach died. 

Solo Version of Clouds:

Mall of America Version of Clouds:

In many ways, Zach reminds me of Nick.  Other family and friends have said the same.  Both are so young, gentle, calm and overwhelmingly courageous as they are confronted with their own mortality.  Instead of choosing self-pity, they turn to music to comfort themselves and those around them. I stumbled upon this song by accident.  My cousin recently suggested that perhaps this song was sent to me as a source of comfort from Nick himself.  Strangely enough, Nick and Zach are the same age and their birthdays landed within 3 days of each other.  I like to think this is true. 

I recently read a compelling book entitled Many Lives Many Masters by Brian Weiss, an Ivy-league trained psychiatrist with degrees in chemistry.  Weiss had been a committed materialist who completely believed that science held all of the answers until he met a patient who convinced him that we are more than the sum of our parts and that there is a soul that lives on past death.  I can only hope that he’s right. Steve Jobs’ last words before he died were, “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.”

Here are some video clips.  The first is one of my dad and Matthew back in the summer of 1996.  At this time, my dad was still the picture of health and energy.  

The others are just clips of Nick when he was just about 15 months old – such a happy boy!  Some of the clips include camping trips, the others include some of our times in Turkey, both outside in an Ankara park and in our enormous apartment – a far cry from the roach-infested overpriced shit box that we inhabited in Hong Kong.  

P.S. If you are the praying type, please pray for Vinnie; he has been shaken to his core. No one could make Vincent laugh harder (or more infectiously) than Nick.    

P.P.S. One of Matt's bands, Tell It To Sweeny, got a nice write-up after their open mic performance at Norma Jean's last week: 

Allstage Tuesday Jam

P.P.P.S. It's not exactly the cover of the Rolling Stone, but Matt and friends (furry and not-so-furry) made it onto the cover of the Byon Villager this week: