27th April, 2019

The following is a letter that we wrote to Nick just after he had “successfully” completed another round of chemo in 2015.  I clearly had a sneaky suspicion that this would not be the end of his treatment, the only difference is that I never foresaw that not only would he undergo more of this shit, but that three years later he would succumb to this disease.  Nonetheless, all the words in the letter still hold true. The jury is still out on my opinion about God. Matt continues to flounder in terms of faith, needless to say.

May 5, 2015

Dear Nick,

Here it is, the eve of your twentieth birthday, and I have so much to say I don’t even know where to begin.  I know what I can give you; you’ve already gotten a car, the trip to Montebello (when Mike pays up), a nice dinner and, potentially, another house show party, but these are just things and you’ve already gotten a lot of things and parties and experiences in your relatively short life-time.   I don’t think there is really anything else that I can give you that would be very meaningful, so I’m just going to write a few words.  You may think words are empty and hollow, full of platitudes, but not in this case. 

Before you have reached your twentieth birthday, you will already have experienced more joy and hell than possibly anyone else might have experienced in their entire lifetime.  You have had great times . . . lots of parties, tons of friends and some girlfriends, a zillion trips of every conceivable type to every conceivable place plus you’ve lived in other countries,  a slew of outdoor activities including snowboarding, skateboarding, mountain climbing,  a multitude of pranks and adventures with your friends, run-ins with cops and other representatives of authority, family celebrations, great demonstrations of  family support, growing up with an unbelievably irritating but interesting sibling, fantastic and exotic pets, an incredibly lively, loud and musical home, tons of opportunities to develop your interests and an immense personal involvement in music which has so enriched your life.  I could go on, but you’ve also gone through lots of shit . . .  horrible bullying, exclusion, depression, boredom and, most challenging of all, cancer, an experience that probably no one else your age whom you personally know has had to endure.  This latest crap, this fucking cancer, has consumed almost three years of your life and it has fucking sucked, mostly for you, but also for your parents who have had to watch you suffer and would have had done anything to take your place and saved you from the wretched pain.  Nonetheless, whatever crap cancer has given you, it has also given you a gift.  It has shown you what kind of a person you are, an extraordinary person who can put up with the worst shit imaginable with so much grace, a person who can bounce back from some of the most atrocious physical and psychological terror a human can face  and still get a job, go to gigs, throw up and come home as if nothing had happened,  as if you were just like any other kid, but you’re not.  Very few people will have the privilege of saying that they endured the worst hell of their life at the ages of 17, 18 or 19, except maybe soldiers from World War I or II or the like.  You will probably never again experience anything as bad as what you had to go through these past three years.  This gives you more strength than anything else almost anyone your age or any age for that matter could possibly lay claim to and, hopefully, it will also give you more empathy for others like you who unfairly suffer.

At 19 years old, on the eve of your twentieth birthday, you’ve endured both the best and the worst that anyone can undergo.  Very few people can say that and this makes you all the stronger for it.  I wish that you never had to go through with it, but this is your battle and this battle is better than any preparation for the hardships and challenges that life will present you, more profound than anything else that you could have gone through as a conventional teenager growing up in London, Ontario.  Those kids who finished high school, dated, went to prom, graduated, partied etc.  Sure, they had a good time, but you were given something unexpected, albeit unwelcome, that makes you special.

I sincerely hope to God that we never have to go through anything like this again, but, if we do, I know you have what it takes to make it through one more time.

Love,

Mom and Dad

P.S.  By the way, I’m not entirely sure that God exists, especially when He seems to allow so much suffering, but I’ve decided to hedge my bets in his favour. It can’t hurt . . . I hope.

          

I’ve included some more videos of two year old Nick.  There are a few quite lengthy videos featuring my dad, my Oma as well as Nicholas.  They aren’t that exciting, but I’m sure they will be meaningful to the people watching who knew them.